Three Bills

These boys fight like tomcats, rolling in the ditches
Beside my house, now Bill needs stitches
Because Bill's busted his lip, so they borrow my car
And while Bill is driving Bill to the ER
Bill drives up in a loaned Ranger
With Rockabye blaring on the five-disc changer
And he's laying on the horn, shouting "anybody home?"
I run out to shut him up before the neighbors phone
And he's wearing this jacket made of three kinds of plaid
I say, "Bill, you look bad,
And since when did Tartan go with Madras?
You should have left that thing back in your checkered past"
Bill just looks away, pretends to cough
I say, "Bill, you were a grumpy guy long before you
ever had me around to piss you off"

Three Bills
It's going to cost you
Three Bills
It's going to cost you
Three Bills
It's going to cost you
Three Bills

Telephone rings at 3 am
I answer "Hi, Bill" because I know it's him
But it's Bill and I think he says something about bowling
But he's hard to understand, I guess his lip's still swollen
I say "Bill, where's my car? It's three o'clock in the morning"
And he starts talking real fast, then Bill has to horn in
He says, "Hey, come on down, you can borrow Bill's bike"
I hear a clatter in the background and Bill yells "Strike!!"
I say, "What, you out of your mind?
The way you made off with my car, think I'll hold on to my shut eye"
And he says "I did you a favor, now you want to kill me?
I think you owe me one" I say, "Yeah, right, bill me"
He says "Have a nice life, you won't be breaking my heart"
I say, "Bill, I'm going to go... I've got to have a nice life
and I seem to be getting a bit of a late start

Three Bills
It's going to cost you
Three Bills
It's going to cost you
Three Bills
It's going to cost you
Three Bills

Morning I walk down to the High Spot
Waitress comes over with the coffee pot
She looks like she stepped off the cover of Glamour
Just then guess who comes spilling through the back door
It's Bill, Bill and Bill, dressed to kill
They say, "Come on to the movies... it's a triple bill!"
I say, "Oh lord" and Bill falls to his knees
Doing the dying swan, I say, "Bill please"
And the waitress looks up, says, "Right away, ma'am"
Starts walking toward the back, Bill looks and says "Damn..."
Then Bill and Bill are twisting their necks
Bill says, "Is she for real?" and Bill says "Holy heck"
And they fall into this moment of awed reverence
I say, "Hey, everybody looks more or less like a Barbie Doll,
if that's your point of reference

Three Bills
It's going to cost you
Three Bills
It's going to cost you
Three Bills
It's going to cost you
Three Bills

©2000 Annie Gallup